Stuck in that Same Old Argument, Part 1

Understanding Strengths & Blind Spots to Overcome Conflict

Do you ever find yourself stuck in that same old argument with a loved one?

You know, when they do that thing that drives you crazy, then you do that thing that drives them crazy, and within a few seconds you are stuck in an exhausting argument that gets you nowhere?

After 25 years of marriage, there’s one fight my husband and I get drawn into again and again. One would think, with my years of experience as a leadership trainer and coach who teaches productive conflict and emotionally intelligent dialogue, I’d be able to figure this one out. Yet, here we are again, arguing in the car on the way to lunch in Dayton, Ohio while visiting our daughter.

Here's the thing, I’m horrible at directions. Thanks to Google maps my rates of getting lost have significantly decreased in recent years, but I still manage to get distracted and miss a turn here and there. 

Also, as a general rule, the people in the car are far more interesting to me than the directions I’m supposed to be following. If my kids are sharing about their day or even if they’re engaged in a stupid argument, they’re my people. I’m hooked.

If this distracted attention causes me to make a mistake, I just laugh at myself and adapt. I turn the car around, update my route, whatever. Easy-peasy. In the language of the CliftonStrengths profile, a tool we use often in leadership coaching, my “Relator” and “Adaptability” strengths are large and in charge in these situations.

My husband approaches things very differently. He consistently channels his “Analytical” strength while driving. Before we even get into the car, he has thought about the most efficient route to get us to our destination. Whatever we’re talking about is not as important as getting to where we are going as quickly as possible. He also channels his “Focus” strength, being very good at avoiding distractions and staying on track towards his overall objective (it’s no surprise this strength is nowhere in my top 10!)

So, after yet another tense car ride where I’ve gotten distracted and missed a turn, and he’s now frustrated because we’re delayed in reaching our destination, I’ve decided I want things to change. I want to figure out how to shift this dynamic between us and stop having this stupid fight in the car.

I think understanding our strengths and their associated blind spots (challenges created by our strengths that we’re often blind to) can help with this. For example, while my “Relator” and “Adaptability” strengths are great gifts in general, when we’re in the car headed to an unknown destination they can get in the way. I end up focusing on the people in the car to the detriment of what’s needed to get us to our destination. And, while I’m ok with missed turns and detours, my husband is not. The entire experience works better when I pay attention to where we are going until we get to our destination.

So, as I am writing this, I am deciding to commit to some behaviors that will hopefully shift this dynamic. First, I want to work on becoming more aware of my blind spots, i.e. when are my “relator” and “adaptability” strengths on overdrive and getting in the way of what I want? Next, I want to create a clear vision of my desired outcome and keep that vision in mind. Asking question such as, “What will our car rides be like when this argument isn’t happening anymore?” and, “How will I be showing up to make that a reality?” will help shape this vision. Finally, I want to build in some accountability to help me stay on track with these changes. It’s easy to let go of behavioral changes that are challenging for us (anyone have a New Year’s resolution they’ve already dropped?) So, I am going to ask my business partner and friend, Mickey, to hold me accountable to this (and I’m sharing this blog with my husband so he knows I’m working on this too.)

Bottom line: The resolution of conflict starts with you, and understanding your strengths and blind spots can be a good road map to get you started. If you’re interested in learning more you can take the assessment here https://store.gallup.com/h/en-us or reach out to Cressy Leadership at info@cressyleadership.com.