Stuck in that Same Old Argument, Part 2
The Power of Casting a Vision & Self-Accountability
Last month I shared a blog about a recurring argument my husband and I have. It’s a pattern I’ve been wanting to shift for years, and despite my efforts I haven’t been able to. When going on road trips together we struggle to get on the same page with driving and navigation and often have interactions that escalate to frustration and arguing.
The process of writing that blog caused me to reflect in a new way, making connections to different strengths my husband and I have, and giving me insight into the different perspectives we bring to this interaction. I also named what I could do differently and how I wanted to hold myself accountable to this. I noted I would raise awareness of the blind spots of my “Relator” and “Adaptability” strengths; create a vision of what my desired outcome would look like; and ask my business partner, Mickey, to hold me accountable for working on this.
It's been several months since I first wrote that blog, and I’m happy to report this dynamic has shifted between me and my husband. Is it perfect, no. But is it noticeably different, yes. To my surprise, the process of reflecting and writing about this challenge played a huge role in helping to things shift for me.
By taking time to self-reflect, when I was not in a state of anger and frustration, I was able to see our dynamic in a new light. I could put myself in his shoes and understand his perspective more clearly. I could also apply some tools from my coaching background to strategize and understand the situation differently. As it turns out, I didn’t need to ask Mickey to hold me accountable. The act of writing down what I wanted and what I was committing to created a tool of self-accountability.
Writing the blog also helped me cast a vision for myself. I was tired of the same fight over and over again. Yet, once those triggers showed up, it was as if I was powerless to respond in a different way no matter how hard I tried. The vision I had for wanting things to be different had sort of been there for years, but it had largely remained unspoken, only surfacing in the emotional aftermath of another argument. Through my reflection and writing I was finally able to gain clarity about what I wanted and how I could show up differently to create that.
When we start work with a new coaching or training client, we have them create a “Wouldn’t it be great if…” list. We ask them to envision what they want to be different when our work together is complete. Anything is fair game: personal and professional goals, departmental shifts, and even larger organizational changes. In coaching, this creates a higher-level road map for us to follow. In training, we may check-in with the list from time to time, and we always review it at the final session. Often, people are surprised by what has been accomplished. We regularly see large shifts, greater than what any one person could accomplish on their own. One of the greatest joys of our work is that we get to experience these transformative shifts with our clients, and we know that casting a vision for what is possible is a key piece of facilitating these changes.
While the frustrating dynamic between me and my husband still shows up on car rides from time to time, our arguments are smaller, and we recover quicker. Travel has become a more peaceful experience overall, exactly what I envisioned. Reflecting and writing made me aware of what I could do differently; created a process of self-accountability; and pushed me to clarify my vision of what I wanted. As a result, I was finally able to move past that same old argument and it has brought more joy and peace into my life. Isn’t that what is all about?
Bottom Line: Reflect and write your own “Wouldn’t it be great if…” list and see what shifts in your life.