"No" is a Leadership Skill

A Story:

When my son Jackson was young, he was an all-in kind of kid. If one Nerf gun was fun, then ten were even better. Candy for breakfast? Absolutely—why not every day? The tantrum that followed my firm “no” to that idea is still vivid in my memory.

Jackson’s enthusiasm for more of everything was matched by his determination, intelligence, and physical prowess—qualities that serve him well today but can make parenting a challenge at times. When he was young, I felt like I constantly had to put up boundaries for him—to keep him safe and healthy and help him thrive as a child. It didn’t seem to me he had the ability to create his own boundaries. In his worldview, more was always better.

One day, as I was cleaning the family room, I swept up a pile from under the couch: dirt, dog fur, chewed-up dog bones, tiny scraps of trash—and buried in the mess were two Skittles. Little Jackson, who was nearby, saw the pile and exclaimed, “Oh my gosh, I usually eat food off the floor, but I am NOT eating those Skittles!”

I burst out laughing. But underneath the humor was also a feeling of relief: Huh. The kid actually does have some boundaries.

The Lesson:

The truth is, we all have boundaries—limits to what we can or want to say “yes” to or “no” to. Much of what we talk about in this blog are the self-awareness tools that help define those boundaries such as core values, strengths, saboteurs, and your personal WHY statement.

But even if we know our boundaries that doesn’t mean we consistently honor them. Some people are great at this. They are clear about what they want and honest and graceful in communicating that with others. I’ve learned a lot from those people in my life, yet it seems to be the rare few among us who have mastered this skill.

Instead of confidently owning our boundaries, we tend to:

• Apologize for things that don’t require an apology

• Say “yes” to avoid conflict or please others

• Overcommit, even when our plates are full

• Avoid answering altogether, hoping silence will suffice

• Agree to requests because we don’t know how to push back

• Lash out after failing to manage our boundaries effectively

Why This Matters:

The cost of neglecting our boundaries is steep. When we fail to honor them, we diminish our ability to show up fully for ourselves and others. Our work, relationships, and well-being all suffer. Saying “no” isn't selfish—it's a way of preserving our capacity to bring our best to the world.

And saying no is not offensive, or mean, or unthoughtful, or rude. Saying no is respectful. It honors the relationships we have. It means there’s good trust. I don’t want the people I work with or live with to say “yes” to me out of a sense of obligation. I don’t want to overburden them with work and stress. I want to trust that they will tell me when it’s too much, bad timing, or they simply don’t want to.

As leaders, if we can’t honor our own boundaries, how can we expect the people we lead to do so? And if they don’t, how can we truly know how they feel about their work, what they’re struggling with, or what most excites them?

Build Your Skills:

Saying “no” is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. One of my favorite books, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, offers practical strategies for mastering it:

1. The awkward pause

When a request is made, pause for a few seconds. See if the other person will fill the void. Learn to be ok with the awkwardness the silence creates. You might be surprised by what shows up.

2. The “No, but…”

This entails saying “no” to the original request but offering what you are willing to do instead. Ex: “I am unable to help you with that project, but my friend Sarah is great with design and might enjoy that work, would you like me to introduce you?”

3. “Let me check my calendar…”

This response gives you time to decide if you want to and have the time available to say yes or no to the request.

4. “What should I deprioritize?”

If someone, such as your supervisor (or even your significant other) is making a request, this is a good response to offer when your schedule is already full.

5. “Bring the humor”

When I was in the thick of building our business and managing a household with three young kids, I would receive invitations from friends to attend fundraising events in town. While I loved the time with my friends, I realized I did not particularly enjoy those events. Eventually, I got good at saying, “Nope, those events aren’t very fun for me!” while adding a little laugh and a smile. I would then use strategy #2 and suggest we do something different to spend time together.

The Bottom Line:

Everyone has boundaries—even Jackson with those dirty Skittles! The key is defining them and building the confidence to honor them. Saying “no” is a leadership skill that empowers us to live and lead authentically.